It's The End Of The World As WE Know It!

Cimex lectularius suckmydicktus

Since time immemorial these creatures of the night have wrought havoc upon all who have the misfortune to cross their bloody paths. Creating bedlam and chaos wherever they go.

Merciless,

these bloodthirsty motherfuckers feast hungrily upon the innocent.

Cunning sonofabitches that they are, they choose the hours just before dawn to wage their vicious attacks against humanity because, as I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, my loves, people are most vulnerable deep in their R.E.M. sleep, when our limbic brains are in full throttle inhibiting the release of certain neurotransmitters. This causes a kind of physical fucktitude called REM Atonia.

And no, my smartass reader, REM Atonia has nothing to do with the fact REM's Michael Stipe bears a striking resemblance to Puck a known morning wood fairy that Shakespeare invented for shits & giggles one night when he was tying one on at Ye Olde Taverne after enjoying a bit of morning lumber himself during a particularly kickass Midsummer's Night Dream.

(Michael Stipe = Morning Wood Fairy? Maybe....) 

 

(You gotta admit there is a little resemblance between Puck and Michael Stipe)

BUT I digress...

REM Atonia is a state in which the motor neurons are not stimulated and thus the body's muscles do not move.... PERFECT state of paralysis. Your heart beat & breathing rate are erratic. Your body temperature cannot be regulated, yet oddly enough THIS is when you are getting busy with the morning wood fairies.

During REM Atonia, both men & women experience erections.

For women, the clitoris becomes engorged NCT (Nocturnal Clitoral Tumescence). There's increased vaginal blood flow, too.

Men, of course, experience NPT ( Nocturnal Penile Tumescence) charmingly called a woody or morning wood. Hell, there's even a website dedicated to this physical phenomenon, I kid you not! It is called awkwardboners.com.

Here is an example of their splendid offerings:

We at the Closed Captioned For the Thinking Impaired do NOT recommend playing Whack-A-Mole with your friend's boner, lest morning glory turn into dick of fury

This phenomenon was also a famous philosophical treatise done by the one & only Beavis & Butthead in their groundbreaking episode, Morning Wood Fairy:

Now during the night, men & women can experience these erections anywhere from 1 to 3-1/2 hours...

THAT is when these scourges of the insect world strike!! Often time, leaving their hapless prey ravaged in their most intimate body parts. Now these hell-spawned vermin love nothing more than a fully engorged bit of flesh. It's like a ribeye, buttery mashed potatoes, creamed spinach & bottle of Chateau Lafite all rolled into one..

It's no accident that they choose the morning-wooded hours for their missions of mayhem. Nope those bloodsuckers KNOW that's when all your tasty bits are at their ripest!

Their preferred habitat is YOUR mattress, but they'll happily settle for your sofa, your throw pillows, & even your underwear drawer. They have a particular fondness for Victoria Secrets underwear models, but who doesn't? They love bedframes, nearby furniture, carpeting, baseboards, inner walls, tiny wood holes, or bedroom clutter. Basically anywhere you can stand, sit or shit....

Let's face it, we are all fucked... they can get at us from anywhere. They have the means, the tenacity & the technology. They practically shut down NYC in 2004! So heinous were their attacks that an act of war against them was called for by Congress, but, we KNOW how well that shit will pan out, don't we...

As all good world weary New Yorkers say.... FUGGETABOUTIT!!!

So deeply ingrained is the fear and knowledge of these bloodsucking sons of unmarried mothers that small children learn early on that they have no choice but to beg the mercy of whatever invisible divine being du jour they believe in to help them live through the night....

(See illustration below for depiction of these tragic circumstances)

Heartbreaking, isn't it?

Poor hapless child....

Sleep tight, kid!

*SIGH*

Now we got all kinds of gods whose ass we could kiss:

Some have unusual places of worship:

Interesting Holiday Customs:

But one thing all of these deities of delight have in common is

that cannot do jackshit about Cimex lectularius suckmydicktus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG...... EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Hell, we are only kidding ourselves by praying for any divine intervention.

Let's face it these demented deities CREATED these pests to fuck with us!!

Nothing gives an almighty asshat a bigger chuckle than watching you try to scratch your testicular sac "discreetly" in front of your fuckwit boss or Mothra-looking mother-in-law!!!

These creepy crawly bastards travel easily and quickly along pipes and boards, and their bodies are very flat, which allows them to hide in tiny crevices. In the daytime, they tend to stay out of the light, preferring to remain hidden in such places as mattress seams, mattress interiors.

Cimex Suckmydicktus can be found on their own, but they are party animals & more often go about like marauding bandits in a Sergio Leone flick, so they congregate in groups and gang bang you with their amazingly efficient & hairy " suckers".

They are capable of traveling as far as 100 feet to feed (meaning you) but usually remain close to your ass in bedrooms or on sofas where you may sleep after you piss your husband off by spending all night MySpacing or something...

The University of Kentucky collected "wild" bugs from all over the United States & in their study drew the conclusion that basically we're screwed! The ones out in the "wild" aka as your bed are several THOUSANDS times more resistant to insecticides than "laboratory" bugs.

No shit, Sherlocks!!!

SO WHAT??

So, there is nothing to do but suffer!!

Seriously... short of detonating a nuclear bomb which might have quite a bit of "collateral" damage to general population, all know remedies are just palliatives, temporary band-aids...

The truth is those fucktacular feasting beasties are going to take over the planet one bedroom at a time!!!

They are plotting, planning, devising their eventual domination of the world!!!!

They are patient, too.

They have all the time in the universe.

WE ARE DOOMED!!!